Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA–Last Tuesday marked the first inaugural “Beasts and Beer Fest” at Zoo Atlanta. While critics and patrons loved the event, it resulted in a number of drunk animals — that number being “All of them.” “There wash a sign that said Do Not Feed The Animals,” said attendee Steve Bartholemew in slurred speech. “No sign [...]
ATLANTA — When Six Flags Over Georgia reopens in mid-March, they’ll unveil a new ride called “285” that lasts five hours and goes 0.7 miles. In an effort to create attractions with more ties to the surrounding area, Six Flags asked patrons to fill out surveys. On the surveys, people were to list things they [...]
ATLANTA — At The Punchline on Wednesday, a skirmish broke out and two men threw punches while waiting in line for the bathroom. The fracas occurred during comedian Shleppy Spleen’s comedy act, ruining the end of one of his jokes about life experiences specific to his ethnicity. The fight took place between two former friends [...]
ATLANTA — A saber-tooth tiger, a species long believed to be extinct, attacked five people in Virginia Highlands on Wednesday. When asked what prompted the attacks, the tiger said, “I thought I saw cavemen.” “We were really surprised [about the tiger’s emergence],” said Bellamy Skonce, head of paleontology department at Georgia Tech. “But regarding its [...]
ATLANTA–The World of Coca-Cola has opened a diabetes clinic on its grounds to educate and counteract the rapidly rising rates of diabetes in the nation, including a new form of Coke-specific diabetes designated as “Diabetes Classic.” This came after the FDA released an incomprehensibly large number of health studies listing soft-drinks as a leading culprit [...]
ATLANTA–Due to an unfortunate incident involving a man dressed in a dragon costume, another man with a real sword, and an excessive amount of vodka, the Drunken Unicorn has lost its liquor license, forcing the business to rename itself “Bored Unicorn.” “We figured we’d reflect what the place is actually like now,” said owner Paul [...]
NEW YORK CITY–Rockstar Games, publishers of the popular Grand Theft Auto video game series, has announced the next iteration of their popular open world franchise: Grand Theft Bicycle: Atlanta (GTBA). The inspiration came when head developer Rich Barrington visited a friend in Little Five Points. “It felt like an apocalyptic future. Like where cars get [...]
VINE CITY–At the Georgia Dome on Friday, the Atlanta Falcons’ “Pet Falcon Day” promotional event reaped disastrous consequences for attendees. Fourteen fans were killed and hundreds more injured in what University of Georgia media professor, Caleb Norbit, called “the dumbest marketing decision in the history of forever.” The first 500 attendees received free, live falcons, [...]
SMYRNA — Atlanta mayor, Joaquin Snead, announced today that Atlanta’s inaugural Outside The Perimeter Day Festival (OTP Day) would be canceled due to traffic delays. “It’s unfortunate,” said Snead in a teleconference earlier this morning. The teleconference was conducted from his cell phone as he sat idle on I-75, which he deemed a “huge-ass clusterfuck [...]
ATLANTA — According to a study conducted by Dr. Gno Won, leader of the local Audoban Society chapter, the majority of Atlantans would rather watch hawks, the species of bird, than the Atlanta Hawks, Atlanta’s professional basketball team. “The results, while understandable, were nonetheless surprising,” said Dr. Won. “We estimated a seventy-thirty split in favor [...]
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