Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA — Legendary film star Clint Eastwood, 81, in town shooting “Trouble with the Curve,” was slowly but inexorably mobbed by a gang of lovestruck 70-year-olds at popular youth-challenged hotspot Johnny’s Hideaway on Saturday. While co-stars Justin Timberlake and Amy Adams were turning less arthritic heads around the corner at Fado, Eastwood decided to split [...]
ATLANTA — Billionaire media mogul and former beloved Atlanta Braves owner Ted Turner has confirmed that he has indeed purchased all possible number combinations for the upcoming record-breaking $500 million Mega Millions drawing on Friday, just to be a dick. Mr. Turner spoke to the Banana via telephone from atop a buffalo somewhere in Montana. [...]
NEW YORK CITY–With the news that the New York Jets have added former Broncos quarterback and known annoyingly public Christian Tim Tebow, New York Knicks guard and annoyingly public Christian Jeremy Lin has declared a holy war. “This town isn’t big enough for two people who love Jesus as much and as publicly as I [...]
LOS ANGELES–ABC’s highly anticipated new reality series “The Mormon Bachelor” was canceled abruptly following its daring initial live episode due to the fact that its central character, Salt Lake City resident and Delta Airlines pilot Brigg M. Young, 32, managed to propose to all 25 love interests within an hour of meeting them. “This was [...]
ATLANTA–In a rite of Spring as certain as baseball and Easter eggs, Atlanta’s numerous trees are once again readying to unleash the residue of their unbridled vegetable lust upon every imaginable surface across the city. Cars, sidewalks, driveways, decks, and even pets will soon be covered in the canary-hued reproductive deluge like so many first-time [...]
ATLANTA–Reports that yet another summer vacation is fast approaching have caught Atlanta teachers completely off guard, sources have told the Banana. Educators across the city were horrified to learn that an extended break was once again looming on the horizon. “I had no idea it would be this soon,” lamented Betsy Ross, a history and [...]
HAPEVILLE — Jesus Christ, the Messiah, Prince of Peace, and Son of Almighty God, returned to Earth Sunday surrounded by trumpeting angels on a dazzling white cloud which hovered over the original Chick-fil-A Dwarf House on the south side of Atlanta. Speaking in a booming, ethereal voice, Jesus addressed the throng of onlookers and reporters [...]
ATLANTA — Birth control and abortion are two white-hot topics in the months leading up to the 2012 presidential election. The Atlanta Banana, in an exclusive interview, discussed these issues with Dr. Clovis Hanger, M.D., who was recently laid off from a women’s health clinic here in Atlanta. BANANA: Dr. Hanger, thank you for joining [...]
ATLANTA — In a shocking development late yesterday evening, a political argument on social networking site Facebook resulted in someone changing their mind. The 72-post thread, mostly between acquaintances John Fitz and Gerald Page, began when Fitz postulated that Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum was clearly the least desirable candidate in recent memory. That prompted [...]
MIDTOWN — A local online dater was relieved to discover that an ostensibly religious new female companion will indeed put out. Midtown resident Edward Hardy, 26, was initially concerned about overt religious references in the young lady’s Match.com profile. “So I was surfing Match looking for some promising chicks to wink at, when Ashley* caught [...]
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