Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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EMORY UNIVERSITY–I never thought when I signed up for a boxing class at LA Fitness that I’d have to put my skills to the test against waterfowl, but that’s exactly what happened. I’m lucky to have escaped with my life. You see, I occasionally walk in Lullwater Park with my girlfriend on her lunch break. [...]
If you think I want to be near poor people, you are probably a gross poor person. Do you honestly think I live in a mansionette in Alpharetta because I want to rub shoulders with the kind of filth that live in West Cobb or East Gwinnett? Are you out of your mind? Sure, some [...]
CUMMING–Atlanta area native Jerry Holmes honored our hard working American servicemen and women this Memorial Day by getting as “drunk as [he's] ever been” and then operating a motor vehicle this weekend. He was arrested on his way to Target to pick up several of what he called “30 racks,” believed to be cases of [...]
ATLANTA–Our City Council approved plans this week to allow a 20 story Ferris Wheel to move from Pensacola, FL to Atlanta, where it will facilitate easy and orderly panhandling of our city’s tourists. Currently, downtown panhandlers are forced to approach potential change givers wherever they can be found, typically on sidewalks, in parking decks, or [...]
ATLANTA — A whirling column of prayers has been reported over the city of Atlanta early this week. Reports are that it is heading in a westerly direction, but there is no confirmation that it has actually made contact with the ground. In fact, though eyewitness reports of the tornado are plentiful, it has failed [...]
ATLANTA–Having given the general public the option of voting on a newer, uglier license plate, Georgia DMV officials announced today that they are disappointed that the finished product didn’t turn out as ugly as anticipated. “Don’t misunderstand me, the new plates are hideous, but not the utter shit bomb we were hoping for,” said DMV [...]
ATLANTA–City engineers are busy this week preparing a gigantic metal plate which will cover the site of the soon to be closed Georgia Dome. The plate, known as Platimus Prime, is essentially an enormous patchwork quilt of lesser plates. It will be installed haphazardly and cause great danger to citizens. “Metal plates are the duct [...]
ATLANTA–Members of the city council, acting on behalf of neighborhood residents, are considering a resolution to “sunset” adult businesses along Cheshire Bridge by the year 2015, which should give the Council just enough time to sober up and possibly even get its driving licenses back. Speaking from the Council’s car, which was weaving erratically in [...]
Atlanta’s profile is on the rise, thanks to some favorable tax incentives for the television and movie industries, and that means we’re seeing a lot more famous people around our streets. This, in turn, means every-day schlubs have a greater chance of running into said celebs and bothering the shit out of them. What’s In [...]
After well over a century of pretty much just running around for no reason at all while drunk people yell at one another, American team sports have managed to finally do something interesting. Jason Collins, an American sports player of the basketball variety, has come out of the closet as a proud gay man, a [...]
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