Atlanta’s Trees Preparing For Annual Spring Bukkake Party

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A randy deciduous undulates lustfully in the breeze. PHOTO: Joelk75, Flickr

ATLANTA–In a rite of Spring as certain as baseball and Easter eggs, Atlanta’s numerous trees are once again readying to unleash the residue of their unbridled vegetable lust upon every imaginable surface across the city. Cars, sidewalks, driveways, decks, and even pets will soon be covered in the canary-hued reproductive deluge like so many first-time “actresses” trying to break into the seedy underworld of fetish films.

Various trees around the city were asked to comment on the upcoming release, but only one agreed to speak on the record.

“Please understand,” opined Steve*, a fragrant Bradford Pear in Decatur, “none of us have gotten any action since last year, and we’re due. I mean,we’ve basically all been asleep for like five months…talk about morning wood! It’s not really our fault if it gets all over everything. What do you want me to do, aim?”

The situation is worrisome because taking repeated shots of sweet, sweet plant love to the face causes considerable respiratory distress among many of Atlanta’s residents. Those allergic to the pungent airborne treeroticism must either avoid the raging outdoor sexual frenzy altogether or remain heavily medicated until approximately Thanksgiving.

“This stuff is gross enough without thinking about what it actually is,” blurted Roswell resident Anne Thurr. “When you stop to consider that thousands of trees are just flinging ejaculate around all willy-nilly, it’s disgusting. It’s like a three-week money shot. We’re not in college anymore, you know.”

Mrs. Thurr was also especially concerned about her children. “Not only are they allergic,” she spouted, “but this is NOT how I want to teach them about sex.  Sex is a natural, beautiful thing that generally doesn’t involve multiple anonymous partners covering you with poorly-guided passion missiles…it’s about love, not about running your horny little self outside once a year and spraying massive amounts of your salacious seed on anything it’ll stick to. I mean, damn.”

While elm and maple trees have already begun launching their respective yearly loads, pines and oaks will be coming along shortly. The coating will be complete around the end of April, unless heavy rains intervene and wash the shame away prematurely.

Check back with the Banana for further timber coitus updates.

*Steve is not the tree’s real name.  Also, trees cannot talk.

 

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