ATLANTA–An Atlanta area businessman, Mr. Fran Seypants, suffered a rage-based fit in the city’s famous traffic yesterday on the way to ride a stationary bike. According to reports, Seypants, recently-divorced salesman and average golfer, “just couldn’t take it anymore.”
“You know, it just gets to be too much sometimes,” revealed Seypants, after he’d calmed down. “I mean, here I am, entering a new chapter in my life, one in which my wife has ‘phased out’ my position as husband, trying to get a little exercise on the stationary bike, and I can’t even move in this traffic.”
Seypants, whose office is two blocks from the gym where he enjoys the “Plastic Weights Plus Zumba” fitness package, leaves his office to make the short trek to the gym at peak traffic times.
“I mean, I guess I could walk, like a person normally would from the couch to the refrigerator for example, but I mean, so much of my identity as a person is wrapped up in my image of myself in my second-hand BMW. This is America, you know?” He added. “I had to sit at a red light for twelve seconds longer than I thought, and I got so mad I screamed and pounded the steering wheel, hurting my hand.”
Reporters spoke with Misty Canyon, actress and day shift manager at Slam Fitness.
“Oh yeah, Seypants, I know him. Gives off a real trying-out-my-rusty-dating-game vibe. He does seem pretty irritated when he comes in, but… hang on,” Canyon said, operating the gym’s front desk computer. “Hey, he doesn’t even pay for the Recumbent LifeBikes! His package is only for Plastic LifeWeights and Zumba.”
Seypants refused to comment on the merits of dance fitness program Zumba, but did offer a few thoughts in conclusion.
“If only there were some way that I could use the energy I use on the stationary bicycle to somehow power myself wherever I wanted to go without my car, but not walking,” he mused. “Oh well, too bad that magical contraption doesn’t exist!”