Drinking Buddy Declares Atlanta Man Winner of Breakup

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This man won, somehow, in a breakup. PHOTO: The Next Web

ATLANTA–Midway through an outing to Hudson Grille this past Saturday to watch the Alabama-Florida basketball game, Vinings resident Aaron Shaffer unexpectedly praised friend Michael Casey’s resilience in the wake of his “fucking brutal” split from longtime girlfriend Emily Wheeler.

“I won’t lie, I was really worried about him for awhile,” admitted Shaffer, Casey’s former roommate and best friend of seven years. As he told the Banana, the November breakup came as a “total fucking shock” to Casey.

“It was bad. Mike was drinking all the time and texting her nonstop. One night I walked in on him listening to Adele,” Shaffer said with a shudder.

But over the past three months, Casey appears to have bounced back.

“Mike totally got his shit together,” said his supportive friend. “He’s been hitting the gym regularly and–no homo or anything–he looks great. Plus he got a kickass promotion at work, which is why he’s buying tonight, right Mikey?” Shaffer said with a laugh, slapping his friend’s back.

As further evidence of his progress, Shaffer told reporters that Casey has “banged at least three or four chicks” since the relationship ended.

Casey’s ex, on the other hand, has allegedly fallen on a post-breakup rough patch.  After their third round of whiskey sours, Shaffer, when asked about Wheeler, confided to Casey that “no one’s heard anything from her for awhile,” and that, according to his sources, her apartment was burglarized last month, “which sucks, but whatever.”

Furthermore, Shaffer assured Casey that, after seeing Wheeler at a party a few weeks ago, she “definitely looked fatter.”

During the game’s fourth quarter and the men’s’ fifth whiskey sour each, Shaffer loudly reiterated to Casey “how much better off [he] is without [Wheeler],” and how he always thought she was “kind of a stuck-up bitch anyways.” The men commemorated Casey’s victory with shots before calling it a night.

At press time, Casey was celebrating his win by scrolling through Wheeler’s Facebook page, debating whether or not it would be weird to call her up and casually suggest grabbing a cup of coffee sometime soon.

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J. Allison has been called "Atlanta's comedy writing darling." She came up with this title herself, but it's bound to catch on any day now. In her spare time, she writes "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction and quotes the parts of movies that no one else remembers. She also enjoys the movie "Twister."