ATL Airport Replaces All Shops, Restaurants with Cinnabon

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ATLANTA, GA—With the addition of an International Terminal only two short years ago, Hartsfield-Jackson Airport has come under fire concerning an alleged mishandling over coveted airport retail contracts are how they are awarded. Earlier today, Mayor Kasim Reed finally presented his simple yet unorthodox solution: convert all airport stalls and restaurants into franchises for Cinnabon “World Famous” Cinnamon Rolls.

Mayor Reed has spent much of his energy the last six months attempting to defuse the controversy, which has enraged potential vendors and passengers alike. “The city has been too divided over this issue,” Reed said. “Let’s get real, buying food or clothing at the airport is only the illusion of choice at best. Greasy food, disgusting food, Terminal A, Terminal B. It’s too much and I can’t keep track… so I won’t. It’s all Cinnabon.” Final contracts were signed shortly afterwards.

If you’re looking to buy a fresh shirt and tie on layover, you’ll now be required to purchase at least one Cinnabon roll with each item (plus, all clothing will now include pre-stitched Cinnabon logos in mostly conspicuous areas). If you need to get your Cinnabon shirt dry cleaned after you spill some Cinnabon icing, it’ll cost you another two Cinnabons. If you want to haggle with the Cinnabon Dry Cleaning employee over the Cinnabon Dry Cleaning costs, you’ll have to buy HIM a Cinnabon. And yes, there’ll be a Duty-Free Cinnabon if you’re travelling internationally.

Cinnabon executives are among the few delighted with the mayor’s decision. The company followed suit, outlining plans to diversify its core product, which is perceived by the public to be a flash-frozen goopy bun with a gluttonous amount of reheated icing dolloped on top. “We’re reaching out to the international community in an effort to show support and solidarity,” said Cinnabon CEO Kate Cole. “So look out for El Cinnabon Mexicano, La Café Cinnabon-bon, Die AutoCinnaBahn, CinnaBuonanNotte, and Miso Soupabon all rolling out over the next six months.” The company’s stock value has tripled since the announcement.

In protest to the ambitious new plan, the Atlanta Chamber of Commerce drafted almost 300 pages of stringent counter-arguements before descending into a childhood game that involved running in circles and—pausing only to congratulate each other and award themselves commendations—gave up entirely in favor of a resolution to get margaritas.

Good news on the horizon, however: experts agree that given a few weeks with this new change in effect, the fat lady will be singing sooner than usual.