Apple Announces Crowdsourced Social Media App for Serial Killers: iMurder

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CUPERTINO–Apple Computer announced a new social media app today, intended to assist serial killers in the selection of victims. The new app and companion web site, known as iMurder, will exist alongside popular social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and will allow members of the general public to flag each other as deserving of a grisly death at the hands of a psycopath.

“Currently, serial killers are murdering people without really knowing whether they deserve it,” said Manny Stabbenz, iMurder CEO. “By asking users to flag those around them whom they feel should be murdered, serial killers are able to get an idea of whom to take out.”

The app will work by adding a “Flag for Murder” button alongside current “like” “favorite” and “retweet” options in social media apps. The company says they aren’t encouraging anyone to murder, they’re simply pointing out that some people deserve it more than others.

“If users feel a post is sufficiently terrible, they just flag the poster for murder, and a note is made in the cloud. Killers are then able to see who has been flagged the most, and consider them favorably as targets for elimination,” said Stabbenz.

Mr. Stabbenz went on to say that he had his app set to auto-flag anyone posting political rants of any kind, misspellings of “you’re”, or anything positive about the Chicago Bears NFL football team.

“Screw those guys,” he explained.