WASHINGTON, DC–Controversial conservative columnist Ann Coulter baffled doctors this week by growing a bald eagle’s beak on the front of her face. The physicians say they’ve never seen anything like it and have no explanation, but Ms. Coulter says she grew the beak thanks to “sheer force of patriotism.”
Ornithologists were just as mystified. “It appears to be a human-sized beak of a bald eagle,” said Dr. Tip Muhwings, PhD. “I don’t know how she grew it, but it’s a beak all right.”
Ms. Coulter couldn’t be more pleased. “I have spent so many nights in my bed clutching my many-layered American flag blankets to me and focusing on core American values,” said Coulter. “I am glad that these efforts have resulted in a beak. Now everyone who looks at me will know I am more patriotic than they are.”
Coulter sparked controversy recently for denouncing the game of soccer even as Americans rallied around the US National Men’s soccer team in the 2014 World Cup, saying:
I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.
Ms. Coulter has vowed that she will learn to speak at least one Native American language as an example to modern day immigrants.