After Action Report: Attacked by an Emory Canada Goose

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Look at the neck on this one. Dang. So long. PHOTO: Daniel D'Auria

EMORY UNIVERSITY–I never thought when I signed up for a boxing class at LA Fitness that I’d have to put my skills to the test against waterfowl, but that’s exactly what happened. I’m lucky to have escaped with my life.

You see, I occasionally walk in Lullwater Park with my girlfriend on her lunch break. She works at the hospital there, near Emory, so we walk over to the park if the weather’s nice. It’s shady under the trees and it has nice grass and whatnot.

Well, it’s summer time and I guess these dumb geese are migrating or something because they are everywhere, distributing turds and smaller geese as fast as they can.

Anyway, I’m walking with my girl and this asshole goose starts hissing at me like it’s got a steam leak. I didn’t know what the hell, so I turn to look at my girl, and the next thing I know the damn thing has charged me and is honking and carrying on like a brass band in a house fire.

Let me tell you, those geese can flap those wings like a son of a bitch. A bird is pretty much all pecs if you think about it. It hurt like a mother and surprised me too.

Anyway, I guess going to three boxing classes is a good thing because my training totally took over. I pushed my girl behind me, raised my fists, and crouched down so I could face my assailant man to bird.

Right off the bat, I delivered a decent right cross to the beak. I didn’t even bother ranging it with a couple of jabs, I just let him have it, but he shook it off like it was nothing.

That damn bird had skills too. If there’s one thing I was never good at it’s dealing with bobbing and weaving. A goose is like 75% neck. They can bob and weave like mad, and their trash talking game is on point what with all the honking and hissing.

I got in another solid uppercut, but the hell bird pecked me in the face like a god damn missile. I saw stars.

I’d had enough, so I just stood up and kicked the thing as hard as I could, grabbed my lady and ran. I should have left her there to get pecked in the face, what with her laughing so hard. Thanks a lot, Cheryl. I was trying to protect you. You could at least say thanks.

God I hate that goose. I can still hear his taunting honks.

Asked Cheryl if I could maybe sue Emory University because I have a huge bruise right under my eye, but all she does is start laughing again. Ugh. I hate birds now. I’m glad we eat chicken four times a week, just to show birds who’s boss.