2013 Georgia Driver’s License Redesign to be Made Out of Cheese

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The only thing worse than not getting carded anymore is not getting slept with anymore.

ATLANTA–Georgia governor Nathan Deal’s office announced today a new design for driver’s license cards. Though they will retain most of the visual elements, the cards will be even thinner and last about three months of normal use.

“We realized we were fools to issue sturdy plastic cards all those years,” said Grover Mintjerk, spokesman for the Governor. “Since the state moved to flimsier cards in 2009, people have had to replace worn and damaged IDs much more often. Our revenues have gone straight up.”

The governor’s office plans to use Earth friendliness as an excuse to make ID cards more expensive and less durable, much in the same way as hotels claim water conservation as the reason guests should reuse towels.

Toward that aim, the new cards will be 50% post-consumer recycled goods, and 30% “hardened food product” — mostly cheese — from locally sourced dairies.

“As you know, we do everything we can to be as efficient and earth friendly as possible when it means we can charge the taxpayer more,” confirmed Mintjerk. “This frees up funds and resources to help forward projects that lay waste to the environment as fast as it can to benefit corporate interests.”

The Governor’s office will also push the state to improve online license renewals and increase “convenience” fees.

“It only makes sense to me,” concluded Mintjerk. “I mean, what’s more convenient than having someone send you money electronically without ever seeing them in person?”

The state is also considering the addition of express lines to the driver’s license offices, charging citizens up to $100 to speed up their wait times.