Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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Our proposal for T-SPLOST: Simply stack flatbed trucks on top of one another sufficiently high to achieve light speed transit. Travelers will pay larger fares to ride in higher levels of trucks, thus enabling them to choose the speed at which they arrive in the city. Not only will we be getting people to work [...]
My name is Ernest P. Pigwiller, and dangit, I am sick and tired of Chick-Fil-A getting all the attention for hating the gays. Hell, we’ve hated the gays all our lives. You don’t see anyone sticking a camera in our faces or staging demonstrations at our restaurants. God, what I wouldn’t give for a little [...]
ATLANTA–Amidst all the arguments for or against Atlanta’s proposed T-SPLOST (Special Purpose Local Option Sales Tax), one important aspect of the tax is dividing Atlantans more than any other: the changing of interstate I-285 from its general circular shape to something that resembles a rhombus. Proponents of the tax claim that a rhombus, or [...]
ATLANTA–In the wake of the Muppets severing all ties with fast food chain Chick-Fil-A, conservative groups across America have banded together to produce their own children’s puppet group, the Reagles. “This is a movement that has been brewing for a long time,” said Vernon Wormer, head of Conservatives On Creative Kids Shows. “The Muppets announcement [...]
ATLANTA–A chiropractor calling himself only “The Bonecracka” is taking credit for the Atlanta Open tennis tournament this morning, having accosted Atlanta Banana reporters on a MARTA train. “Behold the great and mighty Bonecracka!” said Mr. Bonecracka, spreading his arms wide to afford reporters the best possible view of his bathrobe with images of vertebrae sewed [...]
COLLEGE PARK–Rumors swirl today that the Chick-Fil-a corporation is inadvertently raising some homosexual chickens. Though the company’s political leanings seem to indicate that they believe homosexuality to be a matter of choice than heredity, studies indicate that a certain percentage of their chickens must certainly prefer same-sex partners. “There’s just no way that could be [...]
KENNESAW–Reports of a seriously disturbed Kennesaw man claiming, “Living in Atlanta is the best” have flooded the Atlanta Banana news desk. The man, possibly affected by dementia, reportedly believes he is a resident of Atlanta. “I feel bad for the old codger,” said Elaine Blenham, an Atlantan recently back from a foray into the suburbs. [...]
SMYRNA — Atlanta mayor, Joaquin Snead, announced today that Atlanta’s inaugural Outside The Perimeter Day Festival (OTP Day) would be canceled due to traffic delays. “It’s unfortunate,” said Snead in a teleconference earlier this morning. The teleconference was conducted from his cell phone as he sat idle on I-75, which he deemed a “huge-ass clusterfuck [...]
ATLANTA–Narcissus Games & Software, Inc. announced on Thursday the release of their new We Get It! You’re On Vacation (WGIYOV) App for Android, iPhone and iPad devices. With simple functionality and an attractive user interface, WGIYOV allows you to share your mundane vacation photos, that are only amazing because you’re someplace other than where you [...]
ATLANTA–Trees, tipsy after indulging in a few too many pints of water during a rain storm and out for a bit of juvenile fun, are targeting Midtown cars today, falling on them and endangering their drivers. Reporters spoke with Treebark the Awkward, a local Druid and part-time computer repair technician. “Oooh yes! The trees are [...]
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