Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA — According to a study conducted by Dr. Gno Won, leader of the local Audoban Society chapter, the majority of Atlantans would rather watch hawks, the species of bird, than the Atlanta Hawks, Atlanta’s professional basketball team. “The results, while understandable, were nonetheless surprising,” said Dr. Won. “We estimated a seventy-thirty split in favor [...]
ROSWELL–Surgeon I. Zappir, MD, wearily insisted for probably the millionth time at a cocktail party last Friday that lasers he uses for LASIK surgery do not make a “pew! pew! pew!” noise. The surgeon, father of two and LASIK specialist at Crazy Al’s Discount Cornea Barn, indicated that this happens all the time. “It’s kind [...]
ATLANTA – Though up-and-coming actor Adam Baum’s Facebook page has his current location set to Los Angeles, Val Vita, Regional Sales Manager for Southeastern Mutual Life, told reporters Tuesday that she and fellow co-workers were surprised when he appeared as their lunchtime server at Murphy’s Restaurant in the Virginia Highlands neighborhood of Atlanta. “It was [...]
ATLANTA–Atlanta’s roommates, in an effort to quell tension and alleviate the need for passive-aggressive note leaving, have formed a mutual accord this week, calling for increased pants wearing among the city’s platonic co-habitators. Dr. Craig Zlist, Georgia State professor and author of the book “I Can’t Afford To Live Anywhere Non-Cracky,” indicated that an agreement [...]
SANDY SPRINGS–Former TSA agent Chester M. Lester never planned to stay in the agency for his entire career. Sadly, his five years with the agency have now put his dream career in jeopardy. “From when I was a little boy, I’ve always wanted to be a psychiatrist,” Lester said. “What could be better than helping [...]
600 PEACHTREE ST–Experts warn that the hazing heaped on the Bank of America Plaza is causing the building to slouch a bit in order to seem less noticeable. “Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?” the Bank of America Plaza said, speaking via seismometer. “I’m not bothering them. I can’t help it they built me [...]
ATLANTA–Atlanta City Council officials are considering a vote today that would raise ParkATLANTA fines by 40%. At that rate, as early as the year 2014 the cost of parking a new car within the city limits of Atlanta could equal the value of the car itself. City officials have been tight-lipped on the matter, but [...]
Yeah, it’s me, the Devil again. I’ve been seeing a lot of whining lately from you living people about how crowded it’s getting on Earth, and it’s about time someone told you to shut yer yap. “Oh, no,” you say, “what are we gonna do when there’s no resources to feed all of us?” That’s [...]
Dear Reddit’s Atlanta subsection, I woke up this morning, removed my specially-crafted sleeping scimitars, and proceeded to the Macintosh Classic from which I edit Atlanta’s finest news hole, The Atlanta Banana. It was there that I beheld the following message from the Atlanta subsection of popular news aggregator Reddit: you have been banned from posting [...]
ATLANTA–Retail behemoth and world’s largest seller of uncomfortable underwear Walmart announced plans today to build a 22-mile ring shaped store encircling Atlanta. The Walmart plan, which will begin construction immediately, will replace the transportation-and-happiness-based former Beltline with a gigantic ring-shaped retail store. The plan’s documents promise thousands shopping carts, as well as creepy abandoned parking [...]
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