Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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FERNBANK–The Dekalb County School System has plans to stop teaching science to children now that every possible scientific discovery has been made. The plan calls for the immediate closure of the Fernbank Science Center, as well as the public burning of any books describing science. “It’s quite simple,” announced Hugh G. Mustake, school district spokesman, [...]
VINE CITY BITCH VINE VINE CITY BITCH–Georgia World Congress Center officials have released an updated version of their plan to build a new stadium which features retractable political endorsement. “If the Dome were a person, it would almost be old enough to legally drink alcohol,” stated Fillington R. Habspelter, spokesman. “That is just too old [...]
NORTHSIDE HOSPITAL–TOWL 9000, A sentient paper towel dispensing machine which recently dispensed two towels in quick succession, was reluctant to dispense a third last week in a bathroom on the tenth floor of Northside Hospital’s North Tower. “I just wanted to completely dry my hands after washing them,” revealed Dom J. Ghison, bathroom user. “I [...]
HUEYTOWN–A Delta engine failure Wednesday caused 104 passengers to simultaneously void their bowels, breaking the previous world record frightpoop. The event, also known as a “group duke” or “cluster bomb” is a rare combination of sudden abject fear, amazement, and dangerous airport food. Wynne Genna-Prayer, Delta spokesperson, released this statement. Delta is proud to once [...]
ATLANTA–Center for Disease Control experts are reporting that many Atlantans are suffering from a disease which compels them to reveal as much of their skin as possible. Women suffering from mild to moderate cases of the disease can be seen at any Buckhead nightclub, whereas more serious cases are typically confined to the home. Some [...]
ATLANTA–Victim of recent car break-in Ono Miryde can’t understand why his GPS was not stolen early Monday morning. He claims it is a recent model with many nice features. “This just doesn’t make any sense,” Miryde complained. “These guys break a $200 window to steal $1.53 in loose change, but leave a GPS unit worth [...]
ATLANTA–The state of Georgia announced this morning that the new Georgia license tag would allow a sticker with a religious phrase of the owner’s choice for $1.00. Although the tag is usually depicted with the Christianity-oriented phrase “Hell Yeah God,” phrases for other religions are also for sale, because it would be cosmically stupid, not [...]
GOVERNORS MANSION–Georgia Governor Nathan Deal announced via press release today his unwavering support of same sex friendships, vowing to fight for platonic partnerships in every corner of the state. Political leaders nationwide are likely to follow the governor’s lead in an attempt to gain some of the media attention the President generated upon his announcement [...]
ATLANTA–Tickets for the popular Atlanta music festival Music Midtown now feature lowered online “convenience fees,” costing only a single severed finger. Concert promoters have hinted that future fees may go back up to a whole hand or even most of a limb, so interested citizens should shut up and pay. The single-finger figure is for [...]
ATLANTA–The Georgia DOT announced the opening of a new lane on 400 today, increasing the overall soul-sucking of the heavy traffic area by 15%. Commuters who otherwise might have arrived at work with a shred of motivation to get anything at all done once there will now be utterly devoid of not only that motivation, [...]
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