Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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420-FEST–Festival attendee and avid Sticky Tape Dance dancer, Julie “Moonbeam” Sims, prayed feverishly to Mother Earth for jam band Perpetual Groove to end a song so she could go to the bathroom. The Sticky Tape Dance, done by hippies across the globe, is performed by imagining one is covered head to toe in sticky tape. [...]
ATLANTA–Atlanta police spokesman Doug Nutt announced to assembled reporters that the arch plan of the so-called “Weave Thieves” was finally discovered this week when an alleged member of the notorious smash-and-grab gang was apprehended. “Thanks to some fine police work, the grace of God, and a little luck, we have managed to not only detain [...]
DOUGLASVILLE–Farley R. Lijous, unemployed paint agitator and father of two, discovered to his surprise Sunday that he had mistakenly attended church the week after Easter. Lijous disclosed to reporters that while he considers himself a religious man, he normally only attends church for what he called “the Big Four.” Those are: Christmas, Easter, weddings and [...]
MIDTOWN–Atlanta police officer Patrick Roleman issued a ticket for texting while driving to motorist Misty Vapp-Idd late yesterday, then typed his report of the incident using the myriad of buttons on his patrol car’s dash while driving himself. Sources close to the officer report he is still feeling the effects of the irony. “What do [...]
PIEDMONT PARK–A faux-gem-encrusted mirror put Frank Lee Boehring, a Conyers husband and father of two, over his artsy fartsy limit on Saturday afternoon at the Dogwood Festival. Boehring stated that he normally “Has a pretty high tolerance” for “hand-crafted quasi-artistic crap” but Saturday’s levels were far too high. “We weren’t even supposed to be here. [...]
UNKNOWN HILLTOP–Ryan Seacrest, television personality and Dunwoody native, ascended to the top of a vaguely Scottish-looking hill last night, dressed in a belted trenchcoat with epaulets. Throwing his arms wide and screaming as lightening bolts played around him, he assumed the full power of Dick Clark. Clark, who fought his first battle on the Scottish [...]
CAPITOL–Sources close to Mayor Kasim Reed’s office report that he has sold the Georgia World Congress Center, and 17 acres of surrrouding real estate on popular online classifieds website Craigslist. The decision was made without input or approval from Georgia governor Nathan Deal, nor any members of Congress. The real estate in question was reportedly [...]
SNELLVILLE–A trendy Facebook and mobile device app leads to a “very uncomfortable realization about subconscious racist tendencies,” says Snellville resident Sarah Wilkerson, regarding her longtime friendship with Atlanta resident Donald Reeves. The controversy arose when Reeves (33), longtime friend and former schoolmate of Wilkerson (32) had the turn to guess Wilkerson’s drawing. The crudely drawn [...]
ATLANTA–Georgia governor Nathan Deal’s office announced today a new design for driver’s license cards. Though they will retain most of the visual elements, the cards will be even thinner and last about three months of normal use. “We realized we were fools to issue sturdy plastic cards all those years,” said Grover Mintjerk, spokesman for [...]
This morning I ran an article about the mayor of our fine city, Kasim Reed, in which we described him as wearing a hockey mask to work and “scaring the shit” out of his staff. This afternoon I was contacted in an extremely friendly and professional manner by the Mayor’s head of communications, who asked [...]
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