Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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ATLANTA — Billionaire media mogul and former beloved Atlanta Braves owner Ted Turner has confirmed that he has indeed purchased all possible number combinations for the upcoming record-breaking $500 million Mega Millions drawing on Friday, just to be a dick. Mr. Turner spoke to the Banana via telephone from atop a buffalo somewhere in Montana. [...]
ATLANTA–ParkATLANTA, the traffic version of the lamprey eel, has announced their intention to partner with the popular deal-spotting website Scoutmob today. Scoutmob representatives were reluctant to comment, however, since Park Atlanta stipulated that their “deal” would include no savings whatsoever. “I’m not sure I understand what the problem is,” said Ira Tating, ParkATLANTA spokesperson. “Like [...]
NEW YORK CITY–With the news that the New York Jets have added former Broncos quarterback and known annoyingly public Christian Tim Tebow, New York Knicks guard and annoyingly public Christian Jeremy Lin has declared a holy war. “This town isn’t big enough for two people who love Jesus as much and as publicly as I [...]
PONCE DE LEON–City traffic officials are preparing to close a section of Ponce de Leon this Friday night, March 23rd, as part of ongoing Beltline work. Calling it “the fucking party of the year,” one internal memo described workers as “completely stoked.” “Bro, that memo is completely right. It’s pretty much going to blow all [...]
MARIETTA–Alarm and hastily-made-up reasons for ending a nice tea party resulted Tuesday afternoon when a Marietta man found his “special doll” propped up at his daughter’s tea party. Sources reported that the innocent child “had no idea, thank God.” “I just don’t think I can look at Tawny the same way ever again,” lamented Capt. [...]
ATLANTA–Scientist Paul Lenkount, PhD, until this morning responsible for counting pollen levels in Atlanta, has apparently snapped and quit his job. Lenkount, normally a quiet, careful employee, was seemingly pushed over the edge by unprecedented levels of pollen. “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Lenkount revealed, speaking to reporters via phone. “I didn’t go to [...]
FIVE POINTS–The Atlanta Tourism Board announced concerns today that native Atlantans “have no idea” many of their most popular tourist attractions even exist. “It’s quite unfortunate,” Tourism Board President Dee Lusionale revealed. “Many native Atlantans are within a few minutes’ drive of, say, Underground Atlanta, but will never know the pleasure of an Atlanta panhandling [...]
ATLANTA–Our fair city is drawing breath today to begin celebrating the history of St. Patrick, some kind of a priest or something, in remembrance of his great contributions because beer. Holy shit, so many beers. Harvey Notherwan, Professor of United Kingdom at Emory, confirmed that St. Patrick’s day holds particular significance for Atlantans. “Oh yes, [...]
LOS ANGELES–ABC’s highly anticipated new reality series “The Mormon Bachelor” was canceled abruptly following its daring initial live episode due to the fact that its central character, Salt Lake City resident and Delta Airlines pilot Brigg M. Young, 32, managed to propose to all 25 love interests within an hour of meeting them. “This was [...]
CAPITOL — Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed announced yesterday that the city would christen its one millionth thing with the word “Peachtree” in the name as part of the coming Atlanta Streetcar project. When asked about the implications for tourists attempting to navigate a metropolitan area in which many of the major streets are named the [...]
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