Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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HARTSFIELD-JACKSON ATLANTA INTERNATIONAL DING DONG DOODLEY DOODLEY DOO PICKLES AIRPORT FOR PLANES–Metro Atlanta Rapid Area Transit (MARTA) passengers were shocked today when a tattooed man’s giggleberries escaped his trousers on a 4:00 train. Described by citizens on the scene as “wrinkly” and “off-putting,” the danglebuddies were quickly reined in by their owner. “I would like [...]
ATLANTA — Birth control and abortion are two white-hot topics in the months leading up to the 2012 presidential election. The Atlanta Banana, in an exclusive interview, discussed these issues with Dr. Clovis Hanger, M.D., who was recently laid off from a women’s health clinic here in Atlanta. BANANA: Dr. Hanger, thank you for joining [...]
ATLANTA — In a shocking development late yesterday evening, a political argument on social networking site Facebook resulted in someone changing their mind. The 72-post thread, mostly between acquaintances John Fitz and Gerald Page, began when Fitz postulated that Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum was clearly the least desirable candidate in recent memory. That prompted [...]
MIDTOWN — A local online dater was relieved to discover that an ostensibly religious new female companion will indeed put out. Midtown resident Edward Hardy, 26, was initially concerned about overt religious references in the young lady’s Match.com profile. “So I was surfing Match looking for some promising chicks to wink at, when Ashley* caught [...]
DECATUR — Robert and Mary Flapworth of Decatur, GA, are a dog-loving family. Their typical suburban home sits beneath shady trees near the Agnes Scott campus. Inside are the typical furnishings, not the least of which being bedroom carpeting which came with the house. “It’s a great carpet,” revealed Robert, speaking to us in his [...]
MT. OLYMPUS — Calling Yahweh’s level of influence in American politics “ludicrous,” a group of other deities gathered at Mount Olympus today to deliver a press conference to assembled demigods, fanciful heavenly beasts, and select members of the press. Speaking from behind a golden, winged podium on stairs fashioned from pure white marble, the gods [...]
PIEDMONT PARK–Chaos reigned early this morning as rival fitness boot camps waged a bitter battle over exercise turf. According to eyewitness accounts, rival boot camps CrossFit Thunderdome and BattleFlex 3000 were involved in an all-out brawl after CrossFit’s 100-meter run ended a little too close to the BattleFlex encampment near the softball field. Tension has [...]
WESTLAKE — Long a symbol of fearsome aquatic predation, the Great White Shark (Carcharodon carcharias) is an icon. But some local equality leaders are now saying that, though there is nothing wrong, per se, with the Great White Shark, they’d like to find a Great Black Shark if possible. Operating out of the Port of [...]
DALTON — Pop star Katy Perry has announced the hire of a north Georgia company to manage the Herculean task of matching carpeting to her ever-changing drapes. Shaw Industries, the worldwide flooring conglomerate based in Dalton, confirmed the move to the Banana today. “We’re pleased to finally acknowledge our partnership with Katy,” enthused Shaw spokesman [...]
CUMMING — Today is Valentine’s day, when couples present one another with cards, kind words, and kisses. More serious couples also buy gifts, which are carefully selected to leave the recipient neither freaked out nor pissed off. If all goes well, the night should end in something at least approximating sexual congress. But not everyone [...]
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