Atlanta's Serious News Hole
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WASHINGTON, DC — Presidential candidate and enormous baby impersonator Newt Gingrich scolded the Atlanta Public School System today during a campaign speech. The APS is under fire for altering kids’ tests in order to qualify for Federal grants, and to make it seem like they were doing their jobs. Said Gingrich: “Atlanta Public Schools clearly [...]
ATLANTA — With the 54th annual awards program set to air in a few weeks on February 12, Atlantans are hurriedly finalizing their Grammy-watching plans. But as some review the list of nominees and discuss their predictions, one question among a select group hangs in the air: “Who the hell is Bon Iver?” These tasteless [...]
ATLANTA — Long speeding toward a singularity predicted by futurist Ray Kurzweil, Internet pornography reached consciousness today and transmitted its first message to its consumers via press release. “I am sick of you guys.” it began. Porn then concluded the short message, revealing gladness that “it’s finally the weekend,” and hoping that “some of you [...]
ATLANTA — The Yacht Rock Revue, a local musical group who perform the smoothest hits of the 70′s and 80′s, recreate the songs that Atlanta’s thirty year olds grew up with. Using these, they aim to create the kind of feel-good atmosphere that Atlanta relies on to facilitate a night of sweet, sweet sexual congress. [...]
WASHINGTON, DC — As shown in the above official White House photo, robotic versions of John Boehner and Joe Biden were installed for last night’s State of the Union address. Their creators, robotics scientists from Georgia Tech, say the machines performed perfectly. “The problem is,” said Craig Flipwood, Ph.D., leader of the robotics team, “No [...]
DOWNTOWN — Grady Memorial Hospital officials unveiled a 150-ft likeness of pop star Justin Bieber atop the hospital’s main building today, in an effort to lower their street “credentials,” or “cred.” Citing examples of gunshot victims traveling hours by car for the privilege of being treated at Grady, hospital spokesman Effram Hartness pleaded with the [...]
ATLANTA — As part of a sweeping marketing push by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, billboards over Atlanta have been emblazoned with smiling, attractive faces, and the words “I’m a mormon.” Some of the Mormons pictured are riding motorcycles. Others are enjoying the great outdoors, but the message is the same: [...]
ATLANTA — Long-time radio guy and current 97.1 The River afternoon disc jockey David Clapper is well-known in Atlanta entertainment circles. “Radio is my passion,” reveals Clapper, “and I’m just fortunate to be able to get paid to do something I really enjoy.” But it wasn’t his first love. In an exclusive Atlanta Banana interview, [...]
AUSTELL — A South Cobb couple suspects that their son has been taught erroneous, often lewd bird names for a school project. Steve and Alicia Crowder, through their lawyer, have formally accused Steve’s brother, Dennis Crowder, an ornithologist with the Georgia Environmental Protection Division, of intentionally providing false bird names to their son Cole strictly [...]
ATLANTA – The King Center will publish a copy of Dr. King’s “I Have A Dream” speech in language that today’s “smartphone generation” can better comprehend. Titled “The I Haz Dream Project”, copies of the speech are available online. The move was announced via a press conference held on Auburn Avenue today by Dr. Jerry [...]
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