Atlanta Mayor Realizes Married Gays Won’t Explode, Destroy Earth

Two recently-married gays can explode with the force of a supernova, destroying the earth, says FOX News. PHOTO: Jose Antonio Navas

ATLANTA–In a stunning turn of events, Atlanta mayor Joaquin Sneed realized this week that his understanding of the consequences of gay marriage was a bit exaggerated. Same sex couples who are allowed to marry and enjoy all the benefits of their union will not, in fact, according to the Mayor, explode with the force of […]

Atlanta’s Mall Santas Stage Yearly Anti-Consumerism Sit In

Mall Santas anti-consumerist protest is derailed every year by their soft spot for kids. PHOTO: William Prost

ATLANTA–Area mall Santas have descended once again upon area shopping malls, hoping to dissuade shoppers from needless consumerism through peaceful protest. A typical demonstration involves a Santa installing himself on an elaborate throne meant to symbolize the wealth accrued over years of investment and assiduous money management, then waving happily to crowds dressed in bright […]

Religious Right Promotes “Faces of Math” Campaign

A child makes a face as she concentrates on a harmful math problem. PHOTO: Edwart Visser

TIGER, GA–A conservative religious group has released an advertising campaign depicting the faces of children and young adults horribly twisted while concentrating on mathematics problems, hoping to discourage interest in math and sciences. The group, calling themselves Pious — often shortened simply to “Pi” — hopes to capitalize on the popular “Faces of Meth” anti-drug […]

City Council Serves Up Open-Faced Sandwich of Equality and Shame

It's sort of a one hand promotes the other situation. PHOTO: Robert Wilson

ATLANTA–The Atlanta City Council concocted an open-faced sandwich on Monday, consisting of some delicious equality lying tantalizingly upon a rich bed of shame. The equality came in the form of a resolution supporting gay marriage, whose invigorating flavor was meant to hide the bitter tang of a shameful pay raise. “Basically we want to get […]

GDOT Adds Tolls to 285 Exits

I fell into a boring ring of tires. PHOTO: Doug Kerr

ATLANTA–Due to the unprecedented amount of bitching elicited by the implementation of the so-called “Peach Pass” on I-85, which charges drivers to use the arguably quicker high occupancy lane, the state is looking to extend such projects to I-75 south, 285, and beyond. “We were overwhelmed,” said G-DOT spokeswoman Angie DeMateo, in reference the public’s […]

MARTA to Extend Shitty Rail Service to Savannah

Soon a MARTA rail train like this one could be going nowhere in Savannah PHOTO: Pater McFly

ATLANTA–Atlanta’s city leaders are calling for a new high-speed rail extension which will connect the MARTA line to the city of Savannah. Savannah, widely known for smelling weird, is a port city capable of handling almost any amount of seamen. The rail line will connect Atlanta’s southernmost terminal at Hartsfield-Jackson Memorial International Airport for Planes […]

Saber-tooth Tiger Attacks 5 in Virginia Highlands, Says It Saw Cavemen

A caveman, or more appropriately, cavebro, stalks North Highland Avenue PHOTO: Jamin Gray

ATLANTA — A saber-tooth tiger, a species long believed to be extinct, attacked five people in Virginia Highlands on Wednesday. When asked what prompted the attacks, the tiger said, “I thought I saw cavemen.” “We were really surprised [about the tiger’s emergence],” said Bellamy Skonce, head of paleontology department at Georgia Tech. “But regarding its […]

Clermont Lounge and Fernbank Announce Joint Exhibit: Triceratopless

Who's horny? This guy! Just kidding, he's an ancient skeleton. Boner! LOL PHOTO: mendhak

ATLANTA–The Clermont Lounge and Fernbank Science Center have announced a joint historical and erotic exhibit that will combine the majesty of ancient dinosaurs with the paleontological exhibits. The move comes as a surprise to the largely conservative patronage of the Fernbank, but Center spokespeople are optimistic. “I was hanging at the Clermont late one night, […]

Online Georgia Lottery Lets You Throw Money Away Anywhere

This is money. You will not win it in a Georgia lottery. Ever. PHOTO: Dustin Moore

ATLANTA — The Georgia lottery’s online presence now allows citizens to figuratively throw their money away from any location with an internet connection. The expanded functionality promises to expand the lottery’s reach to include the financially daft who lack the time to travel to a physical lottery location. “The internet is a wonderful thing, in […]

Morning Banana: Park ATLANTA’s Ticketing Antics and New City Survey

Holy Banana! ELL OH ELL PHOTO: Martin Abegglen

ATLANTA–The AJC took a short reprieve from articles about death and dismemberment this morning to write about esteemed parking vultures Park ATLANTA, who have been asked to amend their ticketing practices. Link to AJC article: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/city-puts-the-clamps-on-parkatlanta/nS96b/ The article, by Ernie Suggs reads: PARKatlanta, the company charged with enforcing Atlanta’s parking rules, will no longer be […]