Yearly Archives: 2012

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Two recently-married gays can explode with the force of a supernova, destroying the earth, says FOX News. PHOTO: Jose Antonio Navas

ATLANTA–In a stunning turn of events, Atlanta mayor Joaquin Sneed realized this week that his understanding of the consequences of gay marriage was a bit exaggerated. Same sex couples who are allowed to marry and enjoy all the benefits of their union will not, in fact, according to the Mayor, explode with the force of a supernova, destroying the Earth and all life upon it.

Sneed claims his misunderstanding was fueled by fact sheets distributed by the FOX News corporation to all congressmen, senators, state governors, and mayors of the top ten metropolitan areas in the US.

“That’s my bad, folks,” said the Mayor. “I was operating on the information that a same sex union would cause the married persons to convert directly to energy, thus exploding in a burst of superheated particles in a size commiserate with their mass according to Einstein’s E=mc^2 formula, thus destroying Earth and possibly the universe.”

This is a particularly prescient time to support same sex unions, as most of the craggy old grumps who oppose it are exiting their twilight years into the great beyond from which they cannot vote or finance campaigns.

“Harumph! The sanctity of marriage is of utmost importance!” said Chester Wrinklefeather III, 95-year-old curmudgeon and gay marriage opponent. “Otherwise, my wife would have abandoned me long ago and I’d have to die alone.”

But many citizens support the Mayor’s announcement.

“I’m so proud of the Mayor,” said Pat Riarkey, mother of two and cat haberdasher. “It really took guts to support gay marriage after the City Council news last week made it clear the city would reward him for it.”

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Mall Santas anti-consumerist protest is derailed every year by their soft spot for kids. PHOTO: William Prost

ATLANTA–Area mall Santas have descended once again upon area shopping malls, hoping to dissuade shoppers from needless consumerism through peaceful protest. A typical demonstration involves a Santa installing himself on an elaborate throne meant to symbolize the wealth accrued over years of investment and assiduous money management, then waving happily to crowds dressed in bright colors.

The Santas have declared that the biggest enemy to their efforts are the families who proffer adorable children and cash.

“I’m trying to make a statement here, man,” said second-shift Lenox Mall Santa Harry Lapper. “But people keep bringing their dang kids around and paying me money to pose with them. It’s such easy money, I can’t resist it. Really wrecks the whole anti-consumerist thing.”

Lapper sighed heavily. “No one sees me making reasonable investments with the help of a trained financial advisor,” he said.

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A child makes a face as she concentrates on a harmful math problem. PHOTO: Edwart Visser

TIGER, GA–A conservative religious group has released an advertising campaign depicting the faces of children and young adults horribly twisted while concentrating on mathematics problems, hoping to discourage interest in math and sciences.

The group, calling themselves Pious — often shortened simply to “Pi” — hopes to capitalize on the popular “Faces of Meth” anti-drug campaign that went viral this week and depicts the faces of methamphetamine addicts horribly disfigured by drug use.

Rev. Abe Vogadro, Pious group head and strip mall church founder, has spoken out against mathematics as “the devil’s scribblings.” He revealed via phone this morning that the time has never been better to forward his group’s ideas.

Vogadro and his group maintain that declining interest in religious studies are due to the Internet being “made of numbers” which corrupt children’s minds away from the Lord.

“Math ain’t never did nothing for nobody,” said Vogadro. “I’d rather have a plank of wood I can count on. A plank’s constant.”

Pious group members say that the anti-religious math conspiracy can be seen everywhere, including on our food in the form of expiration dates and bar code markings.

“Numbers are lies, and I don’t need lies on my damn cheese,” declared Vogadro. “You can see all those numbered fibs lined up, one after another. It’s a fib on a cheese sequence.”

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It's sort of a one hand promotes the other situation. PHOTO: Robert Wilson

ATLANTA–The Atlanta City Council concocted an open-faced sandwich on Monday, consisting of some delicious equality lying tantalizingly upon a rich bed of shame. The equality came in the form of a resolution supporting gay marriage, whose invigorating flavor was meant to hide the bitter tang of a shameful pay raise.

“Basically we want to get paid more money,” said Snidely Shiplash (R), Council spokesperson and livestock haberdasher. “But in order to keep from being stoned to death in the streets by underpaid teachers, firemen and police, who have seen an Atlanta olympics more recently than a pay raise, we slid our pay raise shame up under a layer of equality. Pretty sweet, huh?”

The equality in question comes in the form of a resolution supporting gay marriage, which was chosen over resolutions that kittens are cute, that pie is delicious, and that the sky over the state of Georgia is blue on sunny days.

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I fell into a boring ring of tires. PHOTO: Doug Kerr

ATLANTA–Due to the unprecedented amount of bitching elicited by the implementation of the so-called “Peach Pass” on I-85, which charges drivers to use the arguably quicker high occupancy lane, the state is looking to extend such projects to I-75 south, 285, and beyond.

“We were overwhelmed,” said G-DOT spokeswoman Angie DeMateo, in reference the public’s response to the Peach Pass. “We expected response to be negative, but the outright hostility to the paid express lanes surprised even our most ardent pessimists.”

Encouraged by the backlash, the Department of Transportation has been investigating even more ways to make metro drivers pay for privileges that, until now, have been free.

Carpoolers, who had previously been exempt from the express lane tolls, can now look forward to paying for the lanes, just like everyone else. In addition, G-DOT expressed hopes to extend the wildly unpopular GA-400 toll indefinitely, and potentially franchise it to other interstates.

“Look, in a perfect world, Georgia taxpayers could drive on their publicly funded roads without additional bullshit costs,” said DeMateo. “But that would require financial management in our department that we just don’t have.”

Additional sources confirmed DeMateo’s statement, adamantly confirming that G-DOT officials proudly lack even the most rudimentary knowledge of accounting.

DeMateo went on: “We refuse to rest on our laurels. Currently, we are brainstorming other potential costs that Atlanta drivers can anticipate—all within reason, of course. I mean, using non-express lanes on metro interstates has been, and will continue to be, free.”

“But what if you paid just a small fee to exit? Think about it.”

[Article by Jessica Merrill, who asked to not be credited in any way. No links to her Etsy store even.]

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Soon a MARTA rail train like this one could be going nowhere in Savannah PHOTO: Pater McFly

ATLANTA–Atlanta’s city leaders are calling for a new high-speed rail extension which will connect the MARTA line to the city of Savannah. Savannah, widely known for smelling weird, is a port city capable of handling almost any amount of seamen.

The rail line will connect Atlanta’s southernmost terminal at Hartsfield-Jackson Memorial International Airport for Planes to Savannah’s harbor area, carrying cargo and passengers between the two cities.

Stops on the line, whose Savannah section will be known as Savannah Harbor Area Rapid Transit Authority (or SHARTA), will include a station on the eastern side of Savannah and one at the city center, thus bringing the same shitty barely-goes-anywhere quasi-progressive service to Savannah that Atlanta does not very much enjoy.

“We just cannot wait to get a rail system that manages to service almost no one,” said Buck O’Fockery, provisional head of SHARTA. “Just like MARTA, only sized down to deliver Savannah-level shittiness.”

Though the announcement has raised concerns among some of Atlanta’s citizens, who cry that we should perhaps figure out how to make MARTA work before we go inflicting shitty rail on any other cities, everyone can agree that any option other than driving the stretch of Interstate 16 between Macon and Savannah is possibly a good thing.

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A caveman, or more appropriately, cavebro, stalks North Highland Avenue PHOTO: Jamin Gray

ATLANTA — A saber-tooth tiger, a species long believed to be extinct, attacked five people in Virginia Highlands on Wednesday. When asked what prompted the attacks, the tiger said, “I thought I saw cavemen.”

“We were really surprised [about the tiger’s emergence],” said Bellamy Skonce, head of paleontology department at Georgia Tech. “But regarding its appearance in Virginia Highlands, that’s not too shocking. With all the beards and long hair, there’s an abundance of similar physical characteristics between the people who lived in the saber-tooth tiger’s time and the present day. That is to say: People in the Highlands look like cavemen, and cavemen are an historical enemy of the tiger.”

The tiger made a public address as it stood on the courthouse steps on Wednesday, immediately following preliminary hearings for assault charges.“I was the only one of my kind who ventured out into the public, because I couldn’t stand it anymore… I saw those cavemen walking around everyday, and it’s my instinct to go after them. Can I be blamed for that? I’m a damn saber-tooth tiger. Cavemen killed my brother and sister. And my cousin, Ralph. I miss that dude.”

The tiger claimed that, contrary to popular opinion, its species never truly went extinct, although its numbers declined dramatically as the species went into hiding. “We were never really gone,” the tiger said. “We’ve been here a while, just wandering around, minding our own business for a couple thousand years, learning to talk and read. We’re big fans of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.”

Protests have been organized for the tiger’s release from custody. Many people believe the tiger was well within its rights when it attacked.

Jack Berry, one of the victims, has even sided with the tiger. “I totally get it,” he said. “Look at my hair. It’s down to my waist. I haven’t trimmed my beard in seven years. I look like I should be rubbing two sticks together and throwing rocks at pterodactyls. Or riding a stegosaurus.”

Berry is not pressing charges. Brent Underwood, another victim, is also not pressing charges, but that is because he cannot receive financial restitution. “It’s a tiger. Can’t get money from tigers,” he said as he played with his chest-length beard. “Although I guess I can get its fangs or something. Maybe put ‘em in my hair. That’d look cool, right? I was already going for a caveman look. Never really considered the consequences, though.”

Officers will not divulge the identities of the other three victims, who pressed charges, for fear of vengeance from other saber-tooth tigers. “The guys look like they should be living in one-thousand-twenty-four B.C.,” said one officer. “No question more tigers would go after them.”

“I was just doing what I was made to do,” the tiger said. “I hope the public can accept that. And maybe the males in your species will start looking like regular people and not guys who were just thawed out from a glacier. It’s hard to tell the difference.”

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Who's horny? This guy! Just kidding, he's an ancient skeleton. Boner! LOL PHOTO: mendhak

ATLANTA–The Clermont Lounge and Fernbank Science Center have announced a joint historical and erotic exhibit that will combine the majesty of ancient dinosaurs with the paleontological exhibits. The move comes as a surprise to the largely conservative patronage of the Fernbank, but Center spokespeople are optimistic.

“I was hanging at the Clermont late one night, transfixed by the swaying of what I thought might have been breasts, and it hit me.” said Dean O’Sawyer, spokesman for the Triceratopless program and Clermont Lounge regular. “No, seriously, a titty hit me. In the face.”

O’Sawyer says that lengthy mammary gave him an idea: combine his unable-to-look-away zeal for the Clermont Lounge with his lifelong passion for the gigantic ancient dinosaurs who once roamed the face of the Earth.

The exhibit will feature some of the Fernbank’s permanent collection, some borrowed items, and will have Clermont strippers bumping and grinding next to each of the larger pieces.

“I can’t wait to show off our bones,” said O’Sawyer. “I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but this is one of the greatest ideas that’s ever been had by anyone, ever. Like, up there with the New Deal and the Magna Carta and shit.”

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This is money. You will not win it in a Georgia lottery. Ever. PHOTO: Dustin Moore

ATLANTA — The Georgia lottery’s online presence now allows citizens to figuratively throw their money away from any location with an internet connection. The expanded functionality promises to expand the lottery’s reach to include the financially daft who lack the time to travel to a physical lottery location.

“The internet is a wonderful thing, in this instance,” said Shay Sterr, lottery spokesman. “Too long we’ve been confined to fleecing people who regularly shop at convenience stores. Now we can benefit from anyone’s lack of acumen.”

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Holy Banana! ELL OH ELL PHOTO: Martin Abegglen

ATLANTA–The AJC took a short reprieve from articles about death and dismemberment this morning to write about esteemed parking vultures Park ATLANTA, who have been asked to amend their ticketing practices.

Link to AJC article: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/city-puts-the-clamps-on-parkatlanta/nS96b/

The article, by Ernie Suggs reads:

PARKatlanta, the company charged with enforcing Atlanta’s parking rules, will no longer be able to write tickets where parking signs are missing or blocked by foliage or other obstacles, and where meters are not functioning, after the Atlanta City Council amended the controversial seven-year contract.

We may be reading that wrong, but it sounds as if Park Atlanta was previously free to ticket anyone they felt might be in the wrong, regardless of whether that person knew it or not.

“Oh you didn’t see the no parking sign?” they might very well have asked, hypothetically. “Well that’s probably because it’s behind that obstacle there. And some foliage. And that leopard.”

In other news, actual real-life mayoral Mayor Kasim Reed wants to know what you think of Atlanta, which is why there’s now a survey to tell him your thoughts, as reported by the AP and Fox Atlanta.

Link to survey is here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/CityofAtlantaCustomerCARE

Check it out and let the city know how much you do or don’t love it. We’re using it for a write-in mayoral campaign: